THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by DAVE BARRY
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
任何情况下都不要在同一个晚上吃安眠药和泻药。
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
如果你一定要用一个词说明为什么人类没有达到，而且永远都达不到他的全部潜能，那个词将会是“开会”。
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
在兴趣和精神病之间只有一线之隔。
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
想要和你分享他们的宗教观点的人几乎永远不会想要你分享你的观点。
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
当创造了整个宇宙的拥有巨大荣耀的上帝，决定给人类传递一条信息，他不会用一个有线电视的有糟糕发型的人作为他的信使。
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
你不应该把你的事业和生活混淆。
7. No matter what happens ... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
不管发生了什么……总有人能找到极端认真的看对待它的方法。
8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
当纷扰四起，局面堪忧时，总会有一个人有解决方法，愿意控制局面。通常，那个人叫疯狂。
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
没有人在意你跳舞能不能跳好。所以尽管去跳！
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
一个对你很好，而对服务员很无礼的人，通常不是个体贴的人。
11. Never lick a steak knife.
永远不要舔切牛排的刀。
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
在你吃饼前先把运气拿出来。（fortune cookie ：a hard thin Chinese COOKIE that has a piece of paper inside with a message about your future on it）
13. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
有一件事能让我们所有的人联结起来，不管年龄，性别，宗教，经济地位或民族背景，那就是，从内心深处，我们都相信我们要比普通司机强。
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
你永远不能对一个女人说，甚至是小心的暗示你觉得他怀孕了，除非在你真正看到一个婴儿从她肚子里出来那一刻。
15. Your friends love you anyway.
不管怎样，你的朋友爱你。
DAVE BARRYBiography
Dave Barry is a humor columnist. For 25 years he was a syndicated columnist whose work appeared in more than 500 newspapers in the United States and abroad. In 1988 he won the Pulitzer Prize for Commentary. Many people are still trying to figure out how this happened.
Dave has also written a total of 30 books, although virtually none of them contain useful information. Two of his books were used as the basis for the CBS TV sitcom "Dave's World," in which Harry Anderson played a much taller version of Dave.
Dave plays lead guitar in a literary rock band called the Rock Bottom Remainders, whose other members include Stephen King, Amy Tan, Ridley Pearson and Mitch Albom. They are not musically skilled, but they are extremely loud. Dave has also made many TV appearances, including one on the David Letterman show where he proved that it is possible to set fire to a pair of men's underpants with a Barbie doll.
In his spare time, Dave is a candidate for president of the United States. If elected, his highest priority will be to seek the death penalty for whoever is responsible for making Americans install low-flow toilets.
Dave lives in Miami, Florida, with his wife, Michelle, a sportswriter. He has a son, Rob, and a daughter, Sophie, neither of whom thinks he's funny.
没有评论:
发表评论